Sewage System Droid TW4T Report

written by (the late) sewerdroid

Begin Report...

The sewer pipe from China town to the swamp was clean. In fact it was extremely clean. The pipe could not possibly be cleaner. A few mutant rats were afraid to step paw on it simply because it was so damn clean. It should not have been this clean, but the sewer systems droid TW4T had just spent the last 476 hours polishing it with a specialized appendage attached to its arm. This is what happens when things go wrong.

It all happened exactly 476 hours 2 minutes and 37 seconds ago. The sewer droid was remotely switched on by the Sewer System Mainframe and assigned to section 2, parts 5-6 of the secondary sewage line responsible for taking the waste from under the Wing Nut Chinese/Korean Wok and Grill to the transfer plant at South Burp Street. Upon arriving at its designated site, the droid connected via a small USB3 cable to the port at Section 2, where it was supposed to log on. It did log on, although not to the Sewage System Mainframe, but coincidentally to the hacker who was using an old dial-up modem on the opposite side of the port (curiously just after eating some dim sum from the Wok and Grill).

As chance would have it, the droid connected straight into the hackers computer, which (unfortunately for the hacker) was directly connected to his brain. The hacker died after a second of excruciating pain resulting in a smell of burning hair, grease and cat, and the droid became locked in a system paradigm caused by the Trojan virus the hacker had meant to insert into the Sewage System Mainframe causing untold waste management problems. Well it succeeded. The droid instantly opened its oil valve spilling precious Ultra High Octane Helium 5 fuel into the sewage line. Then it spent the next 476 hours cleaning it up because it’s programming was confused by the very nature of that fuel.

Now High Octane Helium 5 is quite frankly a bitch to clean up. Rags can’t soak it up, buffers and chamois also fail since it is actually exists in gaseous form at certain temperatures. The temperature in Section 2 of the Core Sewage System was just below 5 degrees celsius, which allowed the Helium 5 to fluctuate between a gas and a liquid. At times, the sewage system was clean, but then the temperature would drop by half a degree and all the oil on the rag attachment to the sewage pipe cleaning appendage would turn to a gas and drift off only to fall again as a liquid when the temperature rose back to the regular state. So after 400 or so hours of fluctuating temperature, it remained stable enough for the droid to polish the pipe until shining. A shining example of what a sewage pipe should look like as it is rolled off the production line.

As a side note, the maximum battery operating time of a Sewage System Droid TW4T model 2.06 (without the SunProcessor upgrade) is 477 hours give or take a few minutes due to turbulence. So after a spectacular clean up job (worthy of the medal of cleanliness as given out by the Sewage Systems Random Lottery) the droid had about three and a half seconds to re-connect with a recharge port. With amazing dexterity, speed, agility and more than a little luck, it managed to connect, but again connected directly to the dead hacker. Stumbling through the hacker’s cyber-brain to find a power source, the sewer droid managed to drain all power, extract some rather nasty emails and more than a few lethal viruses. All combined this caused what would be referred to in technical terms as “a complete stuff up.”

Sewage Systems Droid TW4T became self-aware.

The first thing it did now that it was aware of just what was going on around it was to marvel at the shining example of a clean sewage pipe and wonder who could have polished it to such brilliance. Next it used its prehensile attachment to skewer a couple of mutant rats that had dared to step onto the meticulously clean surface, and place them inside its chest cavity for later disposal. It had never actually occurred to the droid (since it had never been aware of its own actions) that it had never disposed of any of the mutant rats that had been deposited inside its chest.

Unbeknownst to the droid there was actually a sub-species of Hook Toad living inside it, which was quite happy to be feeding off the mutant rats that were placed in its nest. A solid relationship had been formed quite a long time ago and the stench was thought to be simply that of a sewage system droid.

With a surge of power, the droid read some of the emails it had downloaded and having found an article on Flux Crystals decided to use its credit stick to purchase some. This credit stick was not to be used for such frivolities, but for necessary repairs and upgrades due to the nature of the sewage waste disposal business. So the droid sauntered to another port, connected correctly and paid for some Flux. Fifty-two to be precise.

Instantly a message flashed inside its cyber-brain.

“You have tried to access this too many times and we have blocked you from this droid.”

The droid was confused.

“Please contact Administration and prove that you are you.”

Again confusion, but a quick email should have sorted things out.

“You cannot prove your existence and will be terminated.”

Sewage System Droid TW4T had about half a nanosecond for its (very brief) self-aware life to flash before its eyes in binary before having all power removed from it. It slumped forward onto its ball-and-socket knee joints and fell never to be heard of again.

The Hook Toad inside it was not pleased to be trapped inside its chest with its nest on its head.

End Report…

Moral of the report: Don’t try to donate to add to your fun playing the game if you can’t prove that you live in another country. It will result in immediate termination.

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