Pardoux

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (with the exception of Texas which is beyond hope).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron will appoint a governor for the former United States of America without the need for future elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine if anyone even noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependancy, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect.

1. You will learn that the suffix BURGH is pronounced "burra". You can spell Pittsburgh as Pittsberg from now on if you can't cope with simple pronunciation. Then look up aluminium and check the pronunciation - you will be amazed at just how wrong you've been pronouncing it.

2. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour" and "neighbour". Likewise, you will learn how to spell doughnut without dropping half of the letters.

3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary). Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

4. There is no such thing as "US English". Microsoft will be contacted and the spell checker will be adjusted to take into account the reintroduced letter "U"

5. You will learn your reintroduced National Anthem "God Save The Queen"  & July 4th will no longer be a public holiday.

6. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for hunting grouse. If you're not adult to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're certainly not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.

Therefore, you will be no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required should you wish to carry this in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start to drive on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will allow you to understand the British sense of humour.

The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have, to date, been calling gasoline) of roughly $10 / gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn how to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips and those things you insist on calling potato chips are correctly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed with malt vinegar.

Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive and rude with customers.

The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer. Henceforth only proper "English Bitter" will be referred to as beer and European beers of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. New Zealand and Australian beer is also acceptable. American "beers" will henceforth be known as "Near Frozen Gnats Urine"

Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialog in Four Weddings was bad, but Dick Van Dyke in "Mary Poppins" was akin to having ones ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing "American Football". There are only 2 kinds of proper football. One you call soccer and one you call rugby. Those of you who are brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has SOME similarities to American Football but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies)

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called "The World Series" for a game which is not played outside the USA. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will all learn cricket in it's place.

You must tell us who killed JFK - it's been driving us nuts.

An Inland Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesties Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Daily Tea Time begins at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, with high qualities biscuits (no longer called cookies) and cakes plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Thank you for your co-operation.

God Save The Queen