Entry 1 - Born
And suddenly light... I have popped out of giant gaping hole in the sky, naked and confused. As I regain my footing I was approached by man wearing a dress who notified me I had been "rescued" and my memories may have been erased. Bummer. Somehow I retain my grasp of basic language. Kind dress man instructs me to speak with men who will immediately provide me with dangerous weapons. Three more persons are shot out from blue hole in the sky. This must be how babies are made. Full man sized babies. I will continue to explore this world and relearn that which I have forgotten.
Entry 2 - Abdomen Demon and Eldevin Hospital
The townsfolk of Eldevin City are most unique. Regardless of the time of day, they seem to pace back and forth and never move from their stalls. Such dedication is admirable! I found conversing to be difficult. After a brief introduction, many of the townsfolk repeat the same saying over and over again as if they had forgotten we just spoke. Perhaps they were recently born as well.
An extreme painful sensation emanated from my abdominal cavity. Assumed to be demon. Utilizing combat lessons from armored men outside of where I was born I sunk an axe into my abdomen.
Woke up on floor of Eldevin hospital. Dirt and blood covered woman identifies herself as Nurse. Nurse informs me I do not have an abdomen demon and that I was "hungry." Instructs that I go home and prepare food. Her medical training is clearly lacking. Will inquire further at a later time. Bloody Nurse woman requests assistance in gathering bandages in place of hospital fee. Bandages are scattered across the floor in no particular order. I agree and begin the hunt. Several bandages found on floor as predicted. Others removed from patient's limbs.
Entry 3 - Leaking
Yet another strange sensation overtakes me. This time a large pressure below my stomach builds to an uncontrollable tension! Demons are a logical explanation but I decided to wait. I explore the area, probing it gently with my knife. This caused me to spring a leak between my legs. A strange yellow liquid poured out of me. I tore off my trousers in a frantic attempt to clamp off the leaky vessel and retain my body's fluids! Unsuccessful and in a pure panic, I sprinted into the center of Eldevin's crafting district, screaming and waving around my leaky anatomy! Others seem terrified as well. This must be less common in women as many covered their eyes or ran away screaming as loudly as I was. One woman wore a similar dress to Nurse from the hospital. I chased after her, batting my leak against her leg and screaming. She seemed to have cured me! The leaking has stopped!
I awoke on the floor of Eldevin Hospital with a gash on my head and several armored guards standing above me.
Entry 4 - Hunting and Cooking
Addendum to previous entry. Apparently the previous demon is what is known as "hunger." To thwart demon, I must consume things through my mouth. First I must hunt to obtain a Meats. I am brought by a skilled hunter to a pond. Strange small creatures darted throughout the water, dashing back and forth and nipping at the surface of the water as if to consume me first. These creatures must be the blood thirsty boars I have heard about! I drew my sword and jumped into the stream, slashing with a wild blood lust! The boars quickly departed and headed further up stream. I chased after them, somehow slowed by the water itself! Water demon! I dove beneath the surface of the water, stabbing at the soaked Earth below. The water demon shan’t slow me for long!
I awoke on the floor of Eldevin Hospital. Blood Nurse is standing over me. Her lack of medical training evident yet again as she tells me there is no water demon, but humans cannot breathe water. If the boars can, so can I! I will return to that pond and try hunting again.
Entry 5 - Forage
A safer mechanic to obtain food, I might pick it from the trees! Why I was not informed of this earlier is beyond me. Delicious green apples, putridly sour limes, what wonders! I ventured further into the forest to uncover what delicious wonders begged to be found. I caught sight of another apple tree, these apples red. As I move to climb the tree, a disembodied voice calls out: "You can't do that yet!" I looked around but saw no one, so I called back. "Do what? Hello?" To no response, I tried again. Louder than before, voice almost visible, "You can't do that yet! You haven't picked enough green apples to pick a red apple!" Ah! How foolish I was! The logic was flawlessly sound so I returned to my green apple trees until the voice notified me I had become skillful at removing fruit from the trees.
As I lay on the grass consuming my 400th apple of the day, an alchemist approached me. He told me I might mix those apples with some grass and water to make a potion. He demonstrated the amazing skill and said "Here you are. Take forth this apple ju- Health potion and be healed!"
Entry 6 - Sword Play and Cooking
I have become rather adept at using a sword! The army has even tasked me with hunting down a lost shipment of goods. The vile Crimson Macabres lurk to the North. I easily cut through their ranks and toted back a single box from the entire wagon to showcase my skill! With a profound feeling of confidence, I ventured back into the woods. There I came across a majestic deer, wandering on its lonesome. Perfect! I knew I could make quick work of the deer and acquire a Meats to consume and prevent the hunger demon possession once more.
I awoke on the floor of Eldevin Hospital. Blood drenched Nurse informed me that the deer in this land are more ferocious than most of the bandits. I still somehow managed to acquire a Meats. I headed towards the nearest oven and shoved the Meats inside. In an instant, a chef sprinted over, tore my Meats from the oven and threw at back at me. He shouted, "YOU CANNOT EAT THIS WITHOUT BASIL!" He then threw a pile of salt at my eyes and told me to look for basil. I do not understand this world.
Entry 7 - Mastery of the Camping Fires
As part of my re-education, I was instructed to learn the values of camping and camping related fire. As it seemed, camping involves exiting one's shelter to lay on the ground and set fire to local areas. My camping lord was in the midst of training another. He offered the not yet burning pupil the keen advice, "so long as you have fire and basil, you will never go hungry." I watched as he meticulously arranged a pile of logs into a miniature version of the shelter I just left, then set it ablaze! The precise arrangement of burning logs led me to believe that shelter shaped logs burn best. With an effervescent excitement, I trotted off with a plan to make the camping lord proud. Such as luck would have it, a wooden shelter in the exact shape of a shelter was less than two hundred paces away! The door failed to open so I gently applied my axe to the frame and allowed myself entry. Inside the heart of the shelter, I tossed a fistful of basil on the floor and hurried outside. Through a bit of handy work, moments later the shelter was engulfed in flames, much like camping lord's miniature shelter replica. I laid down on the grass next to the inferno, proud of my camping related fire.
Within minutes, citizens from all over gathered round to see my work. Camping lord himself even showed! I will retrieve my basil once the fire has completed. For now I will continue to camping by lying in the dirt. Tomorrow I hear I am to learn how to remove hunks of metal from rocks by smashing it with metal attached to wood. Fascinating!
Entry 8 - Prospecting
Pick an axe. Simple directions! Before heading to the mines I stopped by Eldevin's finest weapons smithy and selected an axe that the vendor described as typically for "showy executions." I always enjoy a good show! To my dismay, my pack was filled! Despite the catastrophe that had become my tote, I was able to push aside three lemons and make room more my massive axe.
The mines were dark, damp, and filled with an abundance of a someone named Guano. Bats fluttered around sparkling rocks and a freakish caped crusader in the corner hovered over the mine cart muttering something about his parents.
The mentor assigned to me has likely received one too many axes to the head. I was instructed the remove my picked axe then.. well I have transcribed our conversations below as I felt them worthy of journaling in the possibility of a riddle existing therein his words.
"Now mine!"
"Yours?"
"What?"
"Mine!"
"Yes."
"Then we agree?"
"Erm. Yeah sure. Agreed. Mine."
I can only assume he referred to the axe I picked. I however paid for this axe (entirely with raw meat) and he was not permissed to have it! If I have learned anything, he will wake up on the floor of Eldevin Hospital and be fine soon.
While observing the other prospectors, I believe I learned the correct methods in obtaining ores.
1. Swing axe over head into stone until stone no longer remains on wall. Continue swinging while scooping fallen stones with feet into pack.
2. Await new stones to suddenly bulge from the walls.
3. Find heavily armored fellow prospector.
4. Compliment armored prospector on strength and girth of biceps.
5. Ask for money.
6. Ask politely for money.
7. Attempt to court fellow prospector.
8. Ask politely for money.
9. Swing axe over head into stone and repeat step 1.
Following these steps, my skill evolved readily! As I readied my departure from the caves, I sorted my piles of coal into.. piles. The strangest of occurrences took place! Twenty coals neatly stacked and not a problem; 23, 24 still fine, 25 and perfect! But no matter how I tried, every time I piled out the 26th lump of coal a familiar disembodied voice (likely the same from the fruit tree) shouted out "JENGA!" and knocked my pile over!
Long I waited on the cave floor studying this mystery. With my incredible genous, I figureD out what was is the problems! 26 coals weigh too much for this world to handle and create a rift into the void! You see..
1 lump of coal = about 1 kilogram (kg)
1 stack of 25 coal = about 25 kg
per the carrying capacity of my sack I may fit 80 stacks of 25 coals or 2,000kg of coal, evenly spaced in the area in my pack. Stacking 26kg of coal would apply too much force per a limited surface area and would immediately plummet through my pack, through the earth, and create a vortex returning us all to the void.
Unfortunately I obtained 75 coals too many. I decided to leave 25kg of lemons (10 lemons) and a 25kg cloth belt (1 belt) on the ground in place.
What an experience! Thankfully copper weighs the same as coal and I can return with the same process. I awoke on the floor of Eldevin Hospital next to my prospecting mentor. Blood drenched dirt Nurse advised me that by attempting to carry 11 copper ores my back imploded.
Entry 9 - Plagues, Not-Deads, and Sewer Ham
Due to my exceptional skills, combat prowess, and per the Eldevin Prince "two legs and can swing a stick," I have been recruited into the Eldevin Army! Which I was apparently already in but now I'm rerecruited. Unless I have already been trapped in the void and this is my rererecruitment.
The army is great! There's no uniform, no training, no pay, and next to no responsibility! As I strutted proudly through the barracks, a half naked Major already had a job waiting! The sewers are flooded with plague ridden, not dead, shambling green men! I was to clear out the sewers and find the source of the diseases coming from the sewer.
The further I ventured down the three tiers of festering sewers, the more populated the not dead green men became. Rivers of bubbling waste barreled between sections of the sewer platforms. From the torrent emerged a group of man sized slugs! They spewed a sticky green pile on my fellow (uniformed) soldiers. Why don't I get a uniform? My fellow men were bound in place, covered knee to toe in rapidly disappearing slug goo. I lunged forward driving my dagger into the..anatomical slug version of a head. A foul smelling bile poured from its wound as the slug screeched and curled up to die. Dragging my blade down the length of its filth covered body, I opened the creature. Underneath the thick piles of pus and slime I revealed two perfectly preserved pieces of ham, still on the bone! Before I could sink my teeth into the meaty goodness, the previously bound soldier lunged forward to smack the ham shank from my hand and into the babbling brook of stool. "You cannot eat that!" he proclaimed. "City law states that no ham shalt be enjoyed without first soaking in a vat of butter!" I am thankful for his heroic actions.
Despite having destroyed many of the not dead green men, who I now believe to be slightly less alive, I have yet to find the source of disease. I searched high and low, through piles of fermented waste, pools of raw sewage, and leftover food through all stages of digestion - yet I cannot find what might cause a person to get sick. I will return my report to the Major along with a shirt.
Entry 10 - Spying, The Locals, and Bob's Cargo
Already my next task was lined up for me! The Crimson Macabres are to be vanquished! The army will utilize a rival gang, The Racketeers, and support their every move to gain the advantage over these bandits. Conveniently, The Racketeers were stationed only a few hundred paces from both the city barracks and the Macabres. I found their leader and boldly declared my allegiance by stating: "Macabres are newbs! Woot, woot, Racketeers!" The Racketeers quickly welcomed me to their family, gave me a ceremonial fist bump, and sent me on a mission of espionage! Armed with a powerful seeing device known as a "telescope" I was to observe the movements of the Macabres. And observe I did! I strutted right up the a Macabre guard, stuck my telescope inches from his nose, and observed him for a moment. He wore a confused grin, but stood his ground. Content with my findings, I reported back that no movements were underway; he stood rather still.
As I returned to the city, I had a most peculiar encounter with the locals. "Would you like to trade?" asked one mostly nude man. I declined. Yet he moved in front of me and opened my pack, holding it in front of my face. He opened his own pack and began shoving things into mine. "Here you can have these." He loaded me full of various tiny apple and mushroom juices as well as raw meat and jute. I closed my pack and stepped back. He simply reopened it and shoved his items back inside. I accepted and went about my way to be rid of him and dumped the remaining trinkets in the city fountain. I was until this time that I learned how very strange some of the people here are. Many ran up to me and proclaimed things like "Double-you tee be some flakes?" "Group me. Group me. Hey. Hi. Group me." It is no wonder many of the city vendors simply pace back and forth. Their sanity is lost!
And whilst on the topic of lost sanity, I met a sailor named Scurvy Bob. Much to his dismay, Bob's cargo had gone missing! He tasked me with recovering eight of the many crates he had lost. Scurvy bob may have likely had both eye patches down as several creates were but an arms reach from his boat. I believe the crates were filled with fish that had been sitting for at least four or five months. Perhaps it be best to return them to the ocean. Or the sewers.
Entry 11 - Living in Slow Motion
Nearly a year has passed since I have been able to journal my adventures. During this time away from my leather bound sanctuary of thoughts I was afflicted by what can only be known as a Time Demon. Alas I endured the curse of life in slow motion!
They spoke as normal, requesting the aid of my faultless blades to slaughter small insects - yet as I hunted my prey one thing was made very clear. Small insects posses the capability to teleport great lengths while my body is limited to three steps every 15 seconds.
Months passed by while I lingered in the forest but I fought through! Mission completed! Trekking back to town with my supplies just as fresh as when I left, I placed the pile of beetle goo in the hands of the guard who had not moved an inch in 11 months. His service to the crown shall be rewarded by only the finest of goo from my pack from hence forward.
Arriving back in town after my epic quest I realize my curse has been lifted! The demon of time has died of old age and mobility has returned to my slender frame! I've so much to make up for. Thankfully a visit to the Hunter's Habitat yielded some memory of where I last left off. The Apprentice Skin Trainer offered me two sacks of "Points" for about 30 sewer slugs worth of ham. Of course I accepted! My pack was full of the freshest of hams.
It may take me some time to fully recall my former involvements in town, but I have no doubt that will return in full force to power my way to the top and regain my memories!
ADDENDUM: I have been gifted a package for the year anniversary of my ejaculation from the void into the world! A birth celebration! Inside my box was the helm of an ancient warrior, "blue birthday hat."
A most curious weapon now adorns my left hand. The weapon floats mysteriously on a chain made of frayed cloth. Recent attempts to thwart a pickpocket resulted in the weapons explosion and catastrophic damage to my trousers which were invaded by a vile smelling compound after the explosion. Pastries with fire sticks smell divine. I shall use the pastry to light my home until it melts. Furthermore I have ten tubes with triangular hats and a string. I shall investigate the use of these tubes at a later date.
But more importantly I have been given a scroll. Upon using my powers of literacy the scroll vanished! Next to me appeared a WHATTHEHELLISTHAT - aw it's cute.. little..green..foxxy.. this thing has large eyes. I shall name him SLAGTHOR TERMINATOR OF WORLDS.
Entry 12 - What is Love?
So much has changed since my time away from the city. Men can hover above the ground whilst standing on rugs and soar across the land faster than I can run! My attempts to liberate rugs from castle barracks for transportation use proved fruitful. I tore the carpets from the floor and dragged it to the window. This carpet must be weaponized! It is full of metal spikes which were wedged into the floor. I grasp my carpet like freshly spit out void baby and with a running start leap from the window in flight!
I awoke in Eldevin Hospital. Red soaked blood nurse stood over me with wide eyes and a wooden plank in which she doodled as she spoke - likely preparing my portrait for the hall of aviation. Dripping blood Nurse informed me that my carpet may have been recalled for faulty brakes. To note for future use, the weaponized piece of said rug worked with perfect precision! My leg is covered with small painful spikes and shreds of my carpet.. perhaps I can fly now.
Upon leaving the hospital what do I see? A pigeon with a man's head! And torso and arms and legs and voice. But a pigeon none the less! He flies around the center of town flapping his pigeon wings and without a carpet! I must learn his secrets.
Sir Pigeon enlightened me to troubles in the realm. Foul creatures have spawned upon our fair landscape to siphon away the love! I was contracted to slay the love beasts with my mighty sword and be rewarded in turn with folded paper and a curved box of brown nuggets similar to those left on the ground by SLAGTHOR TERMINATOR OF WORLDS.
My quest is not a simple one. I know not of where these creatures live, their appearance, or even what is this love they attempt to gather. I filled my pack to the brim with supplies, 232 red apples, 45 piles of raw ham, picking axes, hatchets, and the skin of many deer. Great preparation shall mean great success! Before leaving town I decided to conduct some research of my own. The house nearest the eastern gate shall surely advise me of love mining.
I pounded on the door for two straight minutes until a hunched over old woman pried it back, staring at me with wide eyes and a raised cane. What is love? I inquired for a full explanation and was not disappointed! Love means embracing, placing the lips on the face or head of another and making squishing sounds, and most importantly, giving others your hearts. I shall thank this woman upon my return.
Outside the city limits my hunt began. The strange spined creatures skulked around in the forest amongst the boar and deer. I waited... waited... waited until the perfect time then FILLED THEM WITH LOVE. Blades in hand I leapt forward and wrapped my arms around the creature. It squealed in sheer love filled joy as it collapsed at my feet. I repeated this process 50 more times and collected an entire sack full of locked chests that conveniently stack to the size of my boots for transportation. I believe I shall love the boars here whilst I am in the loving spirit!
Night had fallen upon my return to town. My sack was full and heavy with all the love I could carry. To keep my promise, I returned to the house of the hunched woman and offer her loves. House as dark as the night sky, no one responded to my calls at the door. I peered through the window and to my delight, an entire family lay inside! Hunched woman, shined head man, and several small people! They all lay still and offer not a movement. What impeccable timing! I shall save them with loves!
I kicked open the door and charged inside! I flung my sack from my shoulder and tore it open. They shall receive loves! I scream with as much power as my voice can muster, LOOOOVVEEE and begin lobbing the hearts of slain deer and boar at my knowledge providers. As the organs ricocheted off their faces, their bodies sprang to life! I lunged forward and wrapped my arms around shined head man. Filled with a raw determination to provide loves, I attach my lips to his forehead and blow with all my might. The sounds of love echoed throughout the cabin. Hunched cane woman scooped up the little people and hobbled towards the door whilst screeching in sheer delight. In case her memory failed her, I reminded her of who I was by shouting 'WHAT IS LOVE?' She responded with a puzzling "Don't hurt me no more!"
I awoke on the floor of Eldevin Hospital in shackles. Caked on filth blood Nurse dumped upon me a pile of red folded papers and my curved box of brown nuggets. I have filled the land with loves and I feel wonderful because of it.
Enty 1..? 1-3
I gio into towns and meet a Sir UrcK. YuRK gives meh many bottls of thing he cals beers. Thanks Urp! When I mak drinks the beers make the grounds go weeeeewoooo and then can race my carpet through the towns. I notice that not enough carpits outside but when you fly ral fast into walls it ---
Open my eyes and what do I see? Man in a dress standing over me! It'sa mage man! Eparently I wash suppos to attend "mandatory rehabilitation training" after all my love givings. Man dress man calls me 'dronk' and say magiks must be used instead of books today! Big flashy light from mage man! Fly away on my carpet! Today's magic is brought to you by the letter "E."
Extraneous effervescent effects efficiently educate everything. Electrifying encyclopedic enumerations endows me with extra enjoyment. Equalizing enormousness entranced onlookers with my ensuing education, I establish essential euphoria estimating eyes on me. An epic era of eventual events envisioning exuberance enhancing beers enriched especially with extravagant effects. Each earthly expression edges effortlessly from my mouth exposing without excuse or enduring examination, I'm drunk.
Encircling emotions encourage explosive excitement from my enchanting crowd. Needs of elusive expeditions are emerging ever earlier. Eerie egalitarian guards exclaim they expect explanations for my expelling of stomach contents on entire equines. Ethanol etiquette evolves ever erotically. Esteemed ladies of the guard express extruding interest in my exotic expertise. Exhilarating external eyeing engenders enthralling excessive expletives from female escort before she enacts an eruption of enlarged beatings. Envious are the men enduring enraged eloquence. Exhausted and expired my esteemed lady ebbs her beats. An excellent opportunity to express my eligibility as a mate.
I awoke on the floor of Eldevin hospital. Blood saturated Blood nurse advises me to stay on the floor until the room ceases endless spinning. Evidently I drank too many of UrcK's beer liquids, raced around town on my carpet screaming, vomited on an entire stable of horses, and expressed my undying love to the lady guard dragging me away from the scene. I do not recall these events to be true other than a brief lesson from my tutor mage today. I have a strange hankering for eel...
Entry 14 - Back to the Sewers
Today on my way to deposit a mornings worth of ham collection in the money shack building I was stopped by a ghost! Wavering, white, and levitating, I thought this ghost might have been a residual hallucination from yesterday's events. But to my pleasant surprise Sir Ghost revealed himself to be friendly and likely non-hallucinogenic!
Sir Ghostington informed me of a lovely secret club deep in the sewers. I was told tales of treasure and slaughter! Two wonderful things! My ghostly escort guided me to the underworld below the city. Three valiant (uniformed) fellow soldiers stood guard protecting the very essence of, well they guarded a ladder. I accepted their jobs a plenty to slay things, visit soldiers, and collect some shirts they left out to dry inside.
In we dove to the abyss. Opulent emerald green waterfalls flowed from the very heavens above. Streams of not deads roamed the vast landscape begging to share their bountiful harvest with me and Sir Ghost. Sir Ghost required exercise and ran off stating that I should not touch anything with my swords until he gets tired. A minute into the marathon, Sir Ghost halts for a rest and the not dead slaughter begins.
Deeper still we venture slaying many a not deads and robbing their corpses of dirty rags to sell (which at the time I believed to be rats. They did seem to be moving.) We met up with a fellow solider just in time to share some tea as I was getting thirsty and I'm sure Sir Ghostington was as well. Unfortunately the soldier was not interested in tea and instead tried to offer us knives and arrows. I rooted around in his body, found a lovely walking stick and some metal parts to spruce up the sewer haven! We back tracked some to a group of cool guards hanging out in a cage. Using a recently liberated key we opened the door to party! Sadly everyone ran out screaming. I believe Sir Ghost may been a bit too frightening to some.
Once more forward! Sir Ghost invited me into a box and pulled a lever. The conversation inside went somewhat like:
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'
"AHHHHH WHY ARE WE FALL"
and then we stopped. Evidently the box was magic and has the ability to lift people up AND down! I shall return later for this box and see how it reacts to piles of ham.
Brought to a room three feet deep with waves of crystalline green water, it was time for a swim break! Someone had beaten us to the secret box drop spot as a man in a dress stood at the other end shouting about how surprised he was that we found him. I was rather surprised as well as I had no idea he was hiding. How many others play these games of hide and hopefully findseek?
Dress man dragged from the ceiling a 20 foot tall horny monster! Many many manly horns. The beast was thwarted rather quickly with Sir Ghost's mighty magics. I realized why! When the monster collapsed, he fell face first into the water. Clearly he was a fish all along and was trying to get down to breathe. Further research determined his fish like abilities to be poor as he did not maneuver from his spot of lying.
What glorious day of sewer frolics! Thank you Sir Ghost for bringing me back to the land of endless green.
Entry 15 - Unique Duel
I decided to use my spare time slaughtering innocent farm animals and carving up their bodies to turn into about 79 pairs of boots. The more boots I make, the better I become making belts! And belts hold my pants up.
Fellow boot parts collectors gathered round to join in the slaughter. Many a farm animal fell prey to my mighty blades! Of all the citizens dirtying their hands, one stood out in particular. He claimed himself to be a thug. Why one would so clearly identify themselves as a bandit is still rather unclear. My killing techniques far surpassed sir bandit thug and he became rather irate. Sir Bandit Thug informed me that I was indeed not a bandit. This was rather not surprising but good news! In response to my exuberance, sir thug invited me to duel. He made mention of his fellow bandits, twopacks and a physician name Dre. I have met many a blood nurse in Eldevin hospital, but never this doctor.
Sir Thug sheathed his blade and followed my trail. Twas not a duel I've ever come across. Then, the most miraculous of things! Sir Thug began rhyming, speaking of mothers, and gathering weeds likely for the use of low level potion making. I did not understand his methods at the time, but I believe now I understand. I have drafted a scroll to counter Sir Thug's rhyming duel and shall deliver it post haste!
To Sir Thug Bandit, My Duel Acceptance:
I've been to the hospital you mention many times
and I've yet to meet this Dre physician who rhymes.
When I wake up, there is but only one I see
and that's blood covered nurse standing over me.
Now I've learned quite a lot after being spit from the void,
Sewer ham, stabbing, and flying, among the things I've enjoyed.
You stand here following, rhyming, complaining, and yelling at me,
Perhaps someone should mention you sir, have a ludicrous goatee.
You'll notice if you look that I've got a full beard,
this as a real man is something that has appeared
after stuffing my face for hours filled with sewer ham,
the same ham now that I'm extracting from this very lamb.
This style of duel is most confusing
but I do believe Sir Thug that you are losing.
No matter how many packs you have, just one or two,
I'll win this duel, now excuse me it's time to make shoes.
And with that, I shall make my boots of farm animals.
Entry 16 - My Big Promotion
Since I've returned, the army has made very clear its dire need for troops. With about 11 soldiers who stand in place night and day and five who wander in circles, the army leaves some to be desired. Today was my day to prove my worth!
Eastward bound and through the thick of the perilous jungle I trekked! I arrived at the King's well defended outpost. Wooden fences three feet tall surrounded the impenetrable fortress. Afraid I might have been mistaken for an enemy, I waltzed right in the wide open front gates and ran right to the commanding officer.
Never has someone been so ecstatic to see me. Tasked with a quest of immeasurable importance, the captain tore off his scuffed boots and threw them at me. "GET THESE REPAIRED" he shouted! They looked rather well for boots but none the less I undertook the lengthy trip down the path at the other wide open gate and paid the fee of one copper to shine his boots. The time I was away gave the fair captain time to think. My next task: feed the entire army!
Back to town I flew on my carpet, SLAGTHOR TERMINATOR OF WORLDS in tow behind me. We came upon a patch of dirt with some weeds. What a perfect spot to begin food gathering! I materialized a rake from my spine and tore through the thick patches of weeds. After my foe was vanquished, I punched a fist full of wheat seeds into the earth and covered the land with exactly one drop of water. Impatient and hungry myself, a bountiful revealed itself seconds later. As I clipped the wheat the farmer let me in on a trade secret. If I harvest the ore of farm animals and smear it around the ground, more wheat will grow! I will retrieve my mining picking axe and harvest some cow ores tomorrow.
Though diverse in its offerings, the town lacked kitchen in any of its dining facilities. I figured I would pay the smithy a visit and cook my wheats in his furnace. Smithy was knee deep in education beatings, pummeling his apprentice for creating a knife on the armor anvil rather than the identical one behind him. Sir Smithy showed me inside to his jewelry crafting wife. A-ha! A woman with a kitchen! I slaved over the hot stove and hauled back my hard days labor. The captain was thrilled as I handed over five loaves of slightly salty bread infused with the power of basil.
Blown away by my sheer talent and abilities, I was promoted upon my return to the City Barracks to Tax Collector! Now, I have no idea what a tithe is but I assume all the shop keepers will know the drill. I arrived first to collect from the tavern keeper. Sir Keeper needed six mugs before he could pay. Six Mugs! That's one more mug than the entire army needs! After each visit and some cunning on my part, I was the proud owner of six slips of paper. Two of them had horses drawn on them! The other four were phallic images and rather vulgar phrases about the government. What a strange thing tithes are. I do hope to collect more and decorate my home!
Entry 17 - Disease Fighting Mastermind
Fridays are great days for slaughter! And to such my luck, I came upon a whole canyon full of not-deads waiting to be deaded. As I drove my blade through the neck of one of the many not-deads, a book exploded out of him. To my amazement, that not-dead was also keeping a journal! Be it spectacular luck or my uncanny ability for plot device, this journal contained all the secrets of spreading the Great Sewer (ham) Plague!
Two paragraphs in to the epic chronicles and I felt I knew all that needed to be known. The very key to stopping the plague from spreading further lay in the cave 20 paces from my very location. I pulled up my pants, secured my belt, and with a basket of apples in tow, proceeded into the abyss.
A small army of not-deads roamed around the cavernous windings inside. Their god like speed made traversing the caverns at a leisurely pace damn near mildly problematic. Attributed to my faultless skill of placing one foot in front of the other and propelling myself forward, I reached the end of the cave but not to what I expected. Instead of a giant not-dead there before me was a door with an elaborate locking mechanism. Decorated in a fine order along the ground before the door was a line of darkened scarabs. Curious yet cautious, I knocked on the door. A scarab lit up white! Again I knocked and again the next scarab glowed white. Imbued with the power of the light gods, I batted rapidly away at the door until all scarabs illuminated and shown white. The locking mechanism broke apart and the door slid open. I hope no one notices..
Deeper inside I ventured and the complexity of the puzzles awaiting me grew exponentially. A large circular boulder blocked my path ahead. Rather than going left or right I brushed the boulder aside and continued forward. Mentally taxed and ready to break, I came upon my greatest challenge yet - a bridge that was less effective than normal bridges. I paced around pondering a way to vanquish this new obstacle, but by the time I had come to a conclusion to retreat, I found myself on the other side of the bridge by nature of another smaller bride to the side!
At long last I came face to face with the slimy mound of disease spreading goo. Before I could drive my blade disapprovingly into its very side, a swarm of angry dragonflies unleashed their fury and pushed me back! Fluttering wings and snarling mouths, the dragonflies advanced closer...closer. As they drew nearer I flung my torch aside and prepared for combat. The dragonflies veered away and darted after the torch. They just wanted my light all along. Next time I'll bring two.
Standing upon the steps to retreat, I hurled magical balls, vials of acid, and nasty insults until the disease bearing carcass shriveled and died. Alas the day has been saved!
Edited by Saglia, 06 March 2015 - 18:02.
Very enjoyable
No continuation Saglia...