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Mort’s Revenge (Comments welcome)


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#41 Kayla

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Posted 25 February 2006 - 22:37

Three males sat in a circle in the middle of a ice chill cave whilst the snow storms raged outside. A Transcendant, A Dark Elf and an Omnilord. Krum looked at the other two and then the feeble fire that even Karamazov's magics couldn't keep from waning, wondering how this exactly had come about.

The mage's scream had Krum rushing to the rescue, back towards the caves entrance where he had left the elf asleep. Alas one should take care when running upon an icy floor in steel footwear. The massive winged man had skidded aways, losing a vial of the now complete antidote has he did. As his eyes had followed the vial as it chinked threateningly against the cold stone ground, he had noticed a large furry foot, one that he had been pretty certain did not belong to Karamazov. He had looked up and wished he hadn't.

The polar bear had been, for want of a better word, mahusive (massive didn't have the same literary impact). It's maw had been big, it's teeth had been big, it's clawed paws had been big... it's breath had smelled... and it had towered over the trembling blue mage, who wouldn't have been trembling if the cave wasn't so darn cold and if the bear hadn't appeared to be omniously immune to magic. Then it had turned to Krum and bellowed. The transcendant hadn't been able to help but wonder if it was his eyes or if this bear really had luminescent fur.

The bear had stepped upon the vial. There had been a loud explosion followed by a rather pathetic wisp of smoke. The bear had vanished. Instead had stood an odd looking man, who had the appearance of an undead, but with a lot more hair. The man had glowed white. He had sat down by the fire.

"Uh... hi," he had said.

He had introduced himself as Xero. Apparently he was an Omnilord, but Krum admittedly privately that he wasn't one that he knew of. Karamazov was a bit more verbal with his ignorance, but fortunately for him the Omnilord didn't chose to remove him from gene pool. Shame, Krum thought.

"Was it a potion?" Krum asked and being a being of few words didn't elaborate.

Of course Karamazov was a man of many words. "Excuse my friend here," he began in his rapid vocals, "what he means is was it a potion unidentified that perhaps appeared mysteriously into your keeping that you later drunk despite not knowing what it was that transfigured your immortal self into a rather grumpy polar bear that until we arrived was a snoring in blissful slumber?"

Xero digested this for a moment, then thought back. "No."

"Er... are you sure?" Karamazov persisted. "It may have possibly resembled a bottle of Runic's Finest or perhaps a more humble brew such as Cassius Mead or the swill they call beer down in Ulth'ran?"

Xero's bony forehead creased up in something that resembled a frown. "No."

"Perhaps then it was...."

"He said No." Krum mentioned to Karamazov, who shrugged and asked;

"Well what on Gothador caused your most grizzily transmutation?"

Xero thought back. "A potentant mix that included three tequilla's, one bottle of brandy, a witches crescent cocktail and an Omnibrew. What a party, we actually managed to get Mortis drunk. Quite a feat considering you need to intoxicate 500,000 bodies at once. Then we used Mort as a pinada, though Sally* was a bit pissed off that he didn't break and produce sweets. Good times, good times." It took Krum all the effort not to glance down below the hollow ribs and wonder how the Omnilord had managed himself to get drunk.

*As writer and editor I confess I have no idea who Sally was... but then nor did the 500,032^ Omnilords that were there.

^Yes 500,000 of them were Mortis.

"Omnibrew?" Karamazov asked curiously, his brain focusing on the one thing that interested him above all others... with the exception of women and killing people.

"Drink of the Gods," he was told.

Karamazov's blue eyes narrowed thoughtfully as his pointy tail began to twitch. "I don't suppose you have any more of that around?"

"No."

Krum rolled his eyes heavenward over the dejected look of the blue elf. He turned to the Omnilord. "How long?"

Xero shrugged. "What's the date?"

"16th day of the second month of the cold season."

"Er... what year?"

"2006 k.e."

"k.e.?"

"King's era. From King Andrew the Great."

"Oh about 2000 years then."

"That's some hangover."

"You're telling me."

There was a brief silence.

"None at all?" Karamazov begged.

"No."

Krum took pity on the Omnilord. "Must depart. Must get antidote to the Temple." He gestured an invitation to Xero to join them, who glanced at the blue elf then promptly turned the transcendant down. Krum envied him.

Xero stood watching the cave entrance following their departure. What to do now. As the thought crossed his mind, a crumpled piece of parchment rolled into the cave upon a chill gust of wind. Taking it between his skeletal fingers, he carefully unwrapped it. "Wanted, Omnilord Artist. Apply now!"

Xero smiled and walked out into the storm.

#42 Kayla

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Posted 25 March 2006 - 21:43

Kayla was a woman capable of wearing many different hats, though she preferred to wear them one at a time. Too many at once not only looked stupid, but gave her a headache. She viewed them critically now.

There were the two crowns, the first being the heavy and tasteless official crown of her House, for she was the Princess of the Drow House Llar Draithen. The latter was one she'd had commissioned despite protests for the same position for reasons of comfort, style, though mostly it was due to ego, she hadn't wanted visiting ambassadors laughing behind her back.

Besides these ornate works in gold and platinum respectively, was a tall pointy hat with large stars decorating it. Okay, so she didn't actually go out in public with this party piece adorning her brow, except when one particular V.I.P. chose to attend the Temple. He frequently needed reminding that the women of the Temple were not mere convienient camp followers required in times of war. The pointy hat was perhaps a little over the top as a reminder of her magical position in the Temple (token; knights in general preferred swords and the occasional hammer), but it was necessary when dealing with someone that dense.

And then there was a strange metal cap and protective eye piece she'd designed herself, for as a practising alchemist, she was well versed in the nature of explosions and preferred her eyebrows in their natural position.

However she needn't be wearing any of these hats to assume any of these roles and so when it came to be that she came face to face with Mort (he was standing on a few crates at the time), she looked down at him from many perspectives beyond the most obvious. He, however, saw just one, a dark elven woman, after all everyone knew how racially superior the drow believed themselves to be and women always seemed to Mort to have this smug knowing look as if they knew something you didn't and they weren't about to share it anytime soon.

"Yes?" Kayla asked. "How may I be of assistance?"

"I demand to see the High Priestess of this Temple!" Mort told her in his shrill tone that any tantrum throwing toddler would be proud of.

The Princess allowed one carefully shaped eyebrow to rise a tad in bemusement. "Currently, that would be me," Kayla advised him. Maven was at that precise moment dreamily flitting from flower to flower in the form of a hummingbird due to the blessed wine having been spiked before sermons.

"I have good news for you priestess!" Mort declared, haughtily. "From now on, this Temple stands as a place of obesience to me, the omnilord Mort and you may preach in my stead!"

"Okay," Kayla mulled over his words wondering what the Goddess Nanaea, deity of her order would make of this. She paused and glanced over him and his false facial hair. "What did you say your name was again?"

"Mort!" he replied. "And best you remember it!"

"Mort, ah yes," Kayla purred, a hint of her dark nature sliding into her voice. "Etharas mentioned you once to me."

"...she did?" Mort knew better than to hope the drow Goddess had anything good to say about him... or any deity/omnilord/alternative celestial being.

"Yes, something about having you care for her pet Dravanore once..."

Mort winced noticably. "And she's still not over that?" He hadn't meant to forget to feed the thing, but it's fangs were the same size as he was and well...

Kayla shook her head, an unsympathetic smile upon her face. "And about you taking over this Temple and my person becoming your High Priestess, well, I'll have to decline the offer and no you can't have it either."

The omnilord stamped his foot, then for a few moments struggled to regain his balance on the precariously balanced crates. "Where is your Goddess's champion? I will challenge him, win then the Temple will be mine! Ha Ha Ha!"

"Ah yes, champion," momentarily the drow knight considered the hippo cross sloth that had spread it's hairy self in a large pool of mud somewhere deep in the grounds and decided that the Captain really wasn't up to his position right now. "I guess, currently, that would be..."

"Me."

#43 Kayla

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Posted 02 May 2006 - 07:28

Mort looked up...(and up and up and up..) to see a large winged male of the transcendant variety staring down at him. The small omnilord 's eyes took in the shiny armour encasing the muscular arms and broad chest of a grim faced knight. The picture only seemed to be missing the brainless adoration of swooning females (likely due to the fact that the only woman of unadjusted height was the drow Kayla and she was not the swooning type.)

His neck began to ache.

He coughed, diverting his gaze and adjusting his thought on the whole taking over the largest Temple in Gothador plan. "Aah," he said finally. "That's splendid! Well then, before we go forth and do battle for this splendid prize... I propose a toast! To the champion!"

The transcendant peered critically at the prooffered goblet of suggested wine. "No, thank you." Mort's face reddened, but before his lips could speak one word of feigned outrage, something blue appeared.

"A drink? Cor! Thanks very much! I'm parched!" The mysterious blue figure and the goblet vanished... and reappeared beside the transcendant. "Cheers!" he began, for it appeared to be a male elf, but as it wouldn't stay still, Mort had only the deep voice to go by and he knew only too wel not to judge on such a trait... take Sally for instance...

It disappeared as the knight attempted to confiscate the goblet. "Oi!" the blue elf cried out. "What." he evaded once more the outstretched arm. "Do." he 'ported to a tree branch. "You." and remembered that yes the transcendant could teleport too. "Think." Again he 'ported for no reason Mort could see. "You." He continued to 'port around, whilst the Knight still had not moved. "Are." The Knight sighed. "Doing?" The Knight's arm stretched out to grab thin air. "Erk!" The blue elf 'ported into his open hand... via his neck.

The transcendant snatched the goblet from the elf and poured the contents to the ground... where a weed vanished from sight. "Spiked," he told the elf.

"Spiked?" the elf neatly 'ported himself out of the knights clutches. "Spiked? You mean by that mysterious potion with varied effects that have resulted in most of the Gothadorian population being either of alternative animal, vegetable or mineral in body or miniturising them in such a way that they would be the same had they not now a maximum height of one foot of twelve inches or... what's that metric? Spiked with that potion?"

The knight merely nodded.

The blue elf cast Mort a look of absolute horror. "You should be sued for that! I mean how wrong is that? Messing with a perfectly good wine? Anyone know a good lawyer?" He glanced at the transcendant and then noticed the drow knight standing of aways, a bemused expression upon her face. With a sly grin, he was instantly at her side. "Well hello, baby. May I ask what a lovely young drow as yourself is doing in such a dangerous situation as this? I mean, to be at the mercy of this cruel violator of quality alcholic beverages? His size is very deceptive, I see, but do not worry, mamemoiselle, I, Karamazov, the Great Mage of Sapphire am here now to protect you...."

Drow and transcendant rolled their eyes heavenward in unison.

"Here," the transcendant called to the drow woman, tossing to her a vial of sorts. She nodded in gratitude to the large self-proclaimed current Champion of Nanaea (in view that the true Champion was out of action and last seen taking a mud bath) and vanished into the shadows.

The blue elf reappeared beside the Knight. "Just you and me, once more, into the fray, hey Krum?"

#44 gothador_27raven

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Posted 16 May 2006 - 18:46

This is a bit belated, but now I have to say I'm so glad I took the time to read a few stories on this board, specially yours, Kayla.
As someone who has an entire shelf of Pratchett books, I do think this was a more entertaining read than even some of Pratchett's newer stuff.

I even pulled Lunitarian back here to read this story.
Thanks for the read.

:D

#45 gothador_braelynd

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Posted 24 May 2006 - 23:21

hippo cross sloth??

...that's rather undignified... :P

#46 Kayla

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Posted 25 May 2006 - 18:38

Could have been worse, but I wasn't feeling at my most imaginative at that point ;)

#47 Kayla

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Posted 12 June 2006 - 08:37

The vertically challenged Omnilord, Mort stood facing the two mortals, the large imposing knight, Krum and the wiry, agile and lacking in the ability to shut-up mage, Karamazov. Mort grinned cockily, quite satisfied that he still had the upper hand despite the failed attempt to shrink them out of the way, though the passer-by (who had just set up a betting table, odds 99/1 on the short one, 4/3 on the knight and the blue one) couldn't understand why.

"I give you one last chance to forfeit, knight and bow down to me," Mort ignored the mage, after all with resistances like his why pay heed to it? That and privately the mage unnerved him and Mort, (like many, immortal or otherwise) tended to ignore what he couldn't understand.
Krum shook his head. "Very well, sir knight!" Mort flicked his fingers sending a force of energy towards the knight. The transcendant stood his ground, barely, then took a threatening step forward, his blade slicing the air above the omnilord. It was deflected by an unseen barrier, but Krum pressed on, only to be pushed back, sliding along the path in a streak of sparks as stone and metal scraped together.

"You needn't have me destroy you," Mort offered.

"Oh yeah!" Karamazov answered for Krum, the mage felt that the knight didn't speak up for himself enough... he didn't speak enough full stop... "You and who's army?"

"This army!" Mort replied.

There was a pause (oh the drama!) and thousands of voices yelling war cries chimed with metallic clangs and clunks. The mage looked startled for a second before falling to the ground huddled. Krum rolled his eyes heavenward. Only Karamazov could be defeated by being sent into hysterical laughter.

The knight gazed lazily over the 'army', then nodded. Yes he could squash most of them flat by lying down upon them, but that was hardly honorable. He vagely wondered where the omnilord had found this army of tiny people and a thought crossed his mind. "Come now, sir knight, I give you one last chance!" The omnilord seemed to talk almost as much as Karamazov, Krum thought, well if he prefers...

"Why?" Krum asked.

The omnilord was taken aback. "Why what?"

"Why does this... army... follow you?"

Mort grinned. "Only I know what was in the potion that shrunk them, so only I can offer a cure!" Not that he planned too. He'd always had a problem getting people to take him seriously. It had been his height that caused this lack of respect, he was certain. But creating a new buff and tall body had failed, resulting in the red nose species instead. SO he had decided, if he could not make himself taller than everyone, he would make everyone shorter than he was!! It had taken time to perfect the potion, perhaps, but the numerous oddities (resulting in a fair percentage less of potential worshippers) were a sacrifice to he was willing to make.
Happily patting himself on the back resulted in him failing to hear Krum's next words. "Excuse me?"

"Not true," Krum repeated.

"What's not?" Mort didn't think he liked the direction this was taking.

"We also have cure."

There was a silence. Small mumblings and whispers broke it first, before the whole 'army' defected as one. "No! No!" Mort wailed. "I am your God! You can't do this!"

"You're not their God, you're a very naughty boy!"

#48 Kayla

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Posted 12 June 2006 - 08:38

Mort spun around in horror. The woman had presence, despite her average height, divine presence. Beside her stood an unassuming old woman and two omnilords.
The knight knelt in genuflection. Karamazov managed to pause in his laughter. Mort shrank back.

"We'll take it from here," the omnilord with the bull-like head advised the knight and mage. The little omnilord looked in plee to the divinity.

"Oh no, Mort," the woman shook her head. "I shall not aid you from this prediciment. I am ashamed. I have never had such troubles from your brother, though one would have believed otherwise considering his physical affliction." (Mort's twin brother had several thousand bodies... but alas only one brain and that was little to speak of in itself.)

"But muuuuuum!!" Mort wailed. The two omnilords stood either side of the short one and all three vanished.

The divinity turned to face the old woman. "I must apologise, Nanny! It grieves me so. I will aid in rectifying his error." A vial appeared in her perfectly formed hand. The cork came loose with a pop and the contents disappaited into the air. And suddenly the area was awash with bodies, farmers for the most part, whom for a brief moment had made up Mort's army. The numbers soon began to thin as people made their way back to their lives.

The divinity bowed to the old lady and vanished. A confused master magess emerged from the shadows and several knights appeared also to congratulate Krum. Eyes widening at the company their fellow knight was keeping, all knelt. Karamazov scratched his blue head in perplexion.

"Rise, Sir Krum," the old woman said. "And Lady Kayla." They did so. A smile appeared upon the wrinkled face. "You did good." She turned to the bewildered blue drow. "And thank you," she said to him, "for not killing my knight... though I know you could have done." This did not help lift the mage's confusion. With a wink, the old woman disappeared. The knights all shared warm looks.

The blue drow turned to Krum. "Now what exactly, cos I'm sure it was something important, but I have no idea what, did just happen?"

***************

"You can't keep me in here!" Mort wailed. He shook the bars of the large bird cage.

"Why not?" Hoof asked. He was upset that he'd not noticed that that wine was spiked, after all the potions and vials of odd stuff he'd found floating around prior. But what annoyed him even more was having to turn to Nanny for help!

"It's undignified!" Mort tried to reason. He was met by a shrug and a toothy grin.

"Still up for a burrito?" Cowboy said to Hoofmaster.

"Yeah, sure," Hoofmaster replied. "You, Morwen? Xero? Dreamweaver?" (It seemed two omnilords had responded to the advert and Hoof, not in the mood to pick between them, hired them both.) The mortal and omnilords agreed and followed Hoof and Cowboy out of the door.

"What about me!!!" yelled Mort through the bars. "You can't just leave me here alone!!!"

Hoof looked back into the room. "Did I neglect to mention? You have a visitor!"

"Watch-ya!" something blue poofed in. "Well now, isn't this an interesting place! I couldn't quite believe it, getting an invitation too the studio plane, I mean, I know some guys who'd give their eye-teeth just to glimpse into this place! I mean, wow!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Hoofmaster and Cowboy laughed evilly, satisfied with a job welldone. They joined the waiting Xero, Dreamweaver and Morwen, the latter who was waiting impatiently feeling fairly hungry and still in a little of a bored mood. As they wandered to a local mexican place that had just appeared upon the horizon, Cowboy mentioned; "You know, I can't help feeling..."

"Yeah?" Hoof replied.

"...that we..."

"Yeah?"

"Have totally forgotten something..."

Pause

"Can't think what..."

*******

"Week four... day six... the bruises have gone, but so has the last of the rat meat... must find something fresh to eat... pencils finally prepared, should have a signal fire soon..." the last entry on the diary wall said.

DocSooty ran past... trying to escape the giant roach.

#49 Kayla

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Posted 12 June 2006 - 08:39

Oh... The End

COMMENTS:
:shock:

#50 gothador_27raven

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Posted 13 June 2006 - 03:52

Yay! I'm so glad there's more posted!!! :D :D :D :D :D

/settles down happily

#51 gothador_balord

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Posted 13 June 2006 - 13:15

Now that it is finished I'll have to give it a good read! I have read parts here and there but I hate to read something and then have to wait to get the next part...Though I should be one to talk :shock:

#52 gothador_27raven

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Posted 14 June 2006 - 02:45

Kayla, this was great, so cleverly written and hilarious. Figures that now words should fail me :roll: :wink:, I can't sing your praises enough. Both stories made me laugh through and through, just like the earlier installments. Thanks for writing! :D

#53 Kayla

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Posted 14 June 2006 - 08:31

So... I can count on your vote for a revamped version of Mort (so not to tread on any Gothadorian toes) in paperback (hey I can dream can't I?). I need pushing. Got four chapters... (this is the thing mentioned elsewhere that is being picked apart by Krum)

#54 OnionGroove

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Posted 14 June 2006 - 12:58

So... I can count on your vote for a revamped version of Mort (so not to tread on any Gothadorian toes) in paperback (hey I can dream can't I?). I need pushing. Got four chapters... (this is the thing mentioned elsewhere that is being picked apart by Krum)


Go Go GO!!!!!! :D :D :D Kayla, it would be a fantastic thing to see. :)

"In the end, you will always kneel."

"Last time I trusted someone, I lost an eye."


#55 gothador_27raven

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Posted 14 June 2006 - 13:56

So... I can count on your vote for a revamped version of Mort (so not to tread on any Gothadorian toes) in paperback (hey I can dream can't I?). I need pushing. Got four chapters... (this is the thing mentioned elsewhere that is being picked apart by Krum)


You have my vote, and a push (I got plenty more pushes up my sleeve :wink: )! Tell Krum to be nice or I'll go and step on his toes. :P

#56 gothador_purgatorix

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Posted 20 June 2006 - 23:40

*rounds of applause* :D

#57 Kayla

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Posted 10 September 2006 - 09:25

Bump;

It seems the End is over and the beginning is renewed...

aka. Look out for a new chapter and look out for casting post in General section.

#58 Kayla

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Posted 15 October 2007 - 10:48

bump, (sorry no post, just to scare away deleting demons)


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